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Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Man, am I gonna do... Somethin'
"F**k, f**k, f**k Motha motha f**k
Motha motha f**k f**k
Motha f**k, motha f**k
nyoonch, nyoonch, nyoonch
1,2
1,2,3,4
nyoonch, nyoonch, nyoonch
Smoking w**d, smoking w*z
Doing c**e, drinking beers
Drinking beers, beers, beers
Rolling f****es, smoking bl**ts
Who smokes the bl**ts?
We smoke the bl**ts
Rolling bl**ts and smoking 'em…
Uh, let me get a n****l b*g
15 bucks, little man
Put that s**t, in my hand
If that money, doesn’t show
Then you owe me, owe me, owe.
Ma jungle love yeah,
owe, owe, oh,
I think I wanna no ya, no ya,
yeah what?!"
~ Barely-legal edit ~ Figure it out
The Bill of Rights of the United States of America gives all of the citizens of this country certain unalienable rights, foremost among these freedom of speech, religion, press, etc. No one limits one's freedom to worship how, when, where one pleases, even to the extent (arguably) of allowing Santeria animal sacrifices. As long as you don't kill a person or harm them against their will, you can worship whatever and however you like. Freedom of press also is relatiely untouched. Reporters have access to nearly everything about everything; the records, garbage, public businesses, accounts and friends/family of everyone from the army, to government officials, to celebrities, to the common man. There is very little that the press cannot gain access to, and the only real limits on what they can report is only controlled by the billionaire owners of the news corporations. So, of course, freedom of speech, being the first named of all of these rights, remains least regulated. Right? Of course not! The freedom of speech bit is the absolute most highly restricted right that we have! To put it in perspecctive, "hate speech," "vulgarity," and "coarse language" are to the first amendment what sawed-off shotguns and submachine guns are to the second. Completely outlawed in all public forums. The only real difference between the two is that concealing speech makes it more legal. No one would tolerate such limitations being placed on how they worship, and the press would cause a new-riot if the government tried to check their liberties in this way. So why do we allow censorship of free speech in our newspapers, magazines, television show, and internet sites? I'm asking seriously. Why do we allow this?
Posted at 08:06 pm by RosePaw
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"Death may come, invisible
Or in a holy wall of fire
In the breath between the markers
On some black I-80 mile
From the madness of the governments
To the vengeance of the sea
Everything is eclipsed
By the shape of destiny
So love me now
Hell is coming
Just kiss my mouth
Hell is here
Little soldier, little insect
You know war, it has no heart
It will kill you in the sunshine
Or just as happily in the dark
Well, kindness is a card game
Or a bent-up cigarette
In the trenches, in the hard rain
With the bullet and a bet
He says help me out
Hell is coming
Could you do it now?
Hell is here
Do you see the sterile soil
Poisoned sky, yellow water
The final scraps of life
Bringing new tears
Wake, baby, wake
Leave that blanket around you
There's no where we're safe
I'm leaving this place
But there's nothing
I'm planning to take
Just you
Just you
Just you
Just you
Just you"
~ "No One Would Riot for Less" ~ By: Bright Eyes
To preface this, let me say, for whatever it might be worth, that I hate people who come on blogs to-- or have a blog solely to-- bitch about how horrible their lives are. That being said, I am about to do that very fucking thing, which does nothing to improve my mood, but no one here will listen to my bitching.
I started at online college at Perimeter, here in Georgia, at the beginning of the month, just after I underwent knee surgery. I continue to experience varying degrees and types of pain from this, especially since I recently began physical therapy. I applied, months ago for the HOPE Scholarship, and more recently completed the entire FAFSA application thing, and I have yet to hear one thing about my application's status, but whatever, it's only $1,100 for 11 credit hours. When and if I get a chance, I will begin looking for general scholarships.
I tested out of one of my classes, and I plan to test out of another when the test becomes available on Wednesday. Despite this, I am overwhelmed by the work. Not by its difficulty or newness, not by the lack of a physical teacher and classroom, but by the fucking monotony of it all. All I've ever been told, when I used to complain of the uselessness and ease of all but a very few assignments that I received during my stint in general education. To give an idea of when that started, it was in kindergarten when I managed to walk in the first day of class, sit down in book center, and begin reading Chicken Little when the rest of my classmates struggled to learn the concept of "A." Since around that time, I have been very jaded with the whole "organized schooling" thing. I decided that I could be a better teacher to myself than any of my subsequent teachers ever came close to being. I have been an autodidact since 1st grade, and I have been quite successful with that endeavor. However, I was forced to continue to attend public school, and, even though the school suggested that I skip at least one grade level, my parents talked me out of that with an arguement that made more sense at the time than it has, well, since.
In order to shut up my continuous bemoaning of my public school fate, my parents dangled the idea of college before my eyes. I eagerly awaited a time when class attendance would be optional, when class materials would be in-depth, detailed, interesting, when, if nothing else, I would be far from the same day-after-day monotony of this house where I've lived for 18 long, long years.
I have recently found all of this to be a lie. Not only are classes no harder, they're easier, by far! I was recently given a three paragraph essay to write and was baffled as to how to do such a thing. I've only ever been assigned five paragraph essays; my teachers specifically never assigned something so simplistic as a three paragraph essay, even in my college prep classes, even in regular ed. 5th grade. Never. And the worst part of all of this is that my fellow student, my classmates, some of whom are twice my age at least, have difficulty with even that! And I continue to live at home! Currently, I am crippled by my right knee, and it would be ridiculous to move out of a place where room and board are free, but the fact continues to irk me.
This thing which had been dangled tantalizingly before me for my whole childhood, my last hope for organized education, is a sham. Worse, than a sham, it was a lie, and the lie was told to me when I was young enough to believe in my parents, before they showed themselves people to lie to a child (My parents didn't even finish their Associates degree, they loved college so much!!). The lie was taken in, it became my mantra when school-induced depression threatened to overwhelm me. "College, just a few more years, and everything will be better at college."
How horrifying to think that I strived to take twenty steps back and pay for the honor of doing so! Now, what solace have I? Work? Vacation from work? Retirement? Death? It doesn't get better! The saddest, most disturbing thought is that, it's true what they say. High school really may have been the best years of my life. How goddamn pathetic to think that it's all downhill from that shit-filled valley.
Posted at 02:03 am by RosePaw
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Saturday, February 11, 2006
aishisugite ita ne ano goro no boku wa itsu demo sou
demo mou miakita yo ude ni betsu no hito ga iru ne
sugu ni aisenaku nari nikushimi ga komiageru yo
tataki kowashitaku naru boku no wagamama mo suki kai
kotoba yori mo motto motomete ita
karada dake wo motomete ita yo
kagami no mae de tada hitori enji kitta piero ga
sotto boku no mae ni yori iu no sa
kimi wo kurushimeru no wa boku ka sore tomo kanojo ka
hitori no boku ga sasayuku no sa
kizuku goro ni wa kizutsukete ita
wakariaenai boku ga iru yo
kagami no mae de tada hitori enji kitta piero ga
sotto boku no mae ni yori iu no sa
kimi wo kurushimeru no wa boku ka sore tomo kanojo ka
hitori no boku ga sasayuku no sa
saigo wa konna katachi nante ki ga tooku naru hodo ni itakute
me no mae de kimi ga warai sakebu akai kamisori mitsume nagara
******Reason for Being******
I loved you too much at that time that's all I did
but already I'm tired of looking at you someone else is in my arms
now my love becomes nothing hatred wells up inside me
I want to tear it all down my selfishness, too, do you like it?
more than words, much more I wanted
just your body was what I wanted
a lone pierrot performing before the mirror
softly comes before me to say
is it me or is it her who makes you suffer?
all alone I'm whispering
by the time I realised it, I had hurt you
we don't understand each other, but I'm here
a lone pierrot performing before the mirror
softly comes before me to say
is it me or is it her who makes you suffer?
all alone I'm whispering
that the end should be like this so much pain, I can barely feel a thing
before my eyes you scream with laughter as you stare at the red razor
~ Raison Detre ~ By: Dir en grey ~ From Album: Gauze
We've
decided to go to Momo Con cosplaying a Visual Kei band this year. At
first, the thought had been to go as Dir en grey, and I still like that
idea. Sadly, I am outvoted. Now I can dye my hair purple, though,
instead of just black or blue. I still haven't decided my costume,
though. I might wear the leather pants I bought specifically for the
con, but I'm not sure I want to anymore. Rather, I want to, but I want
to cut holes in them and wear fishnets underneath, and I don't see that
going over well at all. I still really have no clue when it comes to
the top, but maybe I can keep looking at Gazette, Baroque and old
school Dir en grey pictures for inspiration. And I dread explaining to
mother why I need "bondage" clothes. It was already hell telling her I
was going as Toshiya. I got a ten-minute-long diatribe about why do boy
feel the need to dress like girls and why do I want to dress like them.
She never was big into anything more hardcore than the new Bon Jovi
songs though. Maybe Angela will design me a costume like she said she
would.
Posted at 09:48 pm by RosePaw
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Thursday, November 03, 2005
Watashi Wo Koroshita Watashi Kokoro
"uchiakerarenai dare mo shinjirarenai dare mo kare mo hora subete mienai sashikonda hikari ga kiete ima ni mo kareru uchiakerarenai koto wa watashi no yowasa watashi no kako eru mono mo aru keredo kitto te ni nigiru yasashisa ga kiete yuku to arifureta kotae wa ikiru koto hakushi ni modoshite umarekawaru kokoro ga tozashite ima ni mo kowarete yuku namida wo koroshite warau hibi yo kokoro ga shimeshita shinjiru imi no nasa wo watashi wo koroshita gizenbito yo kokoro ga tozashite ima ni mo kuzureochiru namida wo koroshite sakebu hibi yo kokoro ga nokoshita shinjiru imi no tsuyosa wo watashi wo koroshita watashi kokoro" ~ "-mushi-" ~ Dir en Grey
"I can't open myself up to anyone I can't believe in anyone at all and I can't see anything the light that shines is disappearing, soon it will be gone unable to open myself up this is my weakness, my past I can get what I want, yet if I do, the kindness I'm holding onto will slip away the typical answer is when you die, you'll be reborn, come back again my heart is shuttered, soon it will break apart stifling my tears, I laugh day after day my heart has shown me that believing is nothing those hypocrites killed me my heart is shuttered, soon it will crumble away stifling my tears, I scream day after day my heart has left me with a belief in strength my own heart killed me" ~ "-insect-" ~ Translation courtesy of (Cassiel?) Tattered Cloth (FILTH Version)
Dir en Grey is Kyo (vocals), Toshiya (bass), Die (rythmic guitar), Kaoru (lead guitar), and Shinya (drums), previously known as La:Sadies (before Toshiya joined). All except Shinya smoke. Kaoru is the oldest, and the others call him "leader-sama". Toshiya ("Totchi" to the fans) claims that he became Dir en Grey's bassist after they kidnapped him from his other band. Despite his appearance, Die is the joker and he teases his bandmates almost constantly (his favorite target is Shinya). Kyo strives to be as "kowaii"(scary) as possible, but seems to only make it to "kawaii"(cute); he prefers that his fans send him cigarettes, rather than melty candy.
I have no news, so I write about other people
Posted at 08:27 pm by RosePaw
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Saturday, August 20, 2005
They Call Us Lonely When We're Really Just Alone
"Zim: GIR, what did you do to the telescope? GIR: Nothing. Zim: You didn’t touch it? Something is broken and it’s not your fault? GIR: I know, I’m scared, too. ~ From Invader Zim ~ By: Jhonen Vasquez
"Zim: And then watch you transform, more and more, into what you really are, deep down in your heart. Dib: Deep down I’m bologna? Zim: Yes. Dib: That’s just dumb. Zim: Dumb like a moose, Dib. Dumb like a moose!" ~ From Invader Zim ~ By: Jhonen Vasquez
I could've updated this earlier, but I didn't feel like it. We have determined the reason for my near-crippled state. It turns out that the ligament things in the back of my knee pooped in half, so there's nothing to stabilize it. The doc said it's the best bad report I could get because the ligaments are still in their tracks, so the need for surgery is unlikely and there was no cartilage damage. We already knew the knee wasn't broken, so there's no real need to mention it. What these findings say to me is that I was right! No one seemed to believe when I said my knee felt like it popped into two peices, but that's exactly what happened. It feels good to be right. But now the back of my knee keeps hurting and it feels like it's wound too tight. My knee actually hurts worse now, when it's healing, than it ever did when I initially injured it. I think the bone bruises are nearly gone now.
On a much less happy note, school is once again in session. Mike just laughs his ass off at me every time I talk to him because he graduated last year and never has to go to school again. The classes aren't too bad yet, I suppose, but then they haven't had a good chance to get started. Latin sucks now that Mr. Dmetruk's left to become a lawyer. The new teacher's kind of uptight. She teaches and expects us to actually learn ^^;;. Things in the math department are pretty good, though. Algebra is so much better than geometry that it's scary. I got shafted in the electives, though. I'm stuck in Environmental science for both semesters. To be fair, I did sign up for that class, but I was told I'd get it if all four of my other choices filled up first. I have trouble believing that all four of my other choices filled before they got to my card. Well, this way maybe I can get into drama and psych/soc nect year. That sounds like it'd almost make junior year something to look forward to. At least I get to use the elevatorsand leave class early.
Posted at 07:25 pm by RosePaw
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Monday, July 11, 2005
It will all vanish. Soon everything's just going to disappear. This is it, the end of the world.
"Everything dies, it's a natural part of life. But if life has no purpose then your dead already." ~ Kiba ~ From Wolf's Rain, Episode 3 (Bad Fellow)
"Why does everybody have to fight about everything, arguing and stealing from each other all the time? I mean, it's a big enough world. Why can't we share it, wolves and humans and birds and flowers, living together as equals? If we all got to paradise that's how it would be, wouldn't it?" ~ Toboe ~ From Wolf's Rain, Episode 19 (A Dream of an Oasis)
"I'm not scared, of anything. Not even the thought of dying scares me. Since I was born death's been nipping at my heels. It's as if my very birth had somehow called it there." ~ Kiba ~ From Wolf's Rain, Episode 19 (A Dream of an Oasis)
"Blue: What's the deal with the people here? It's like they've all been brain washed.
Cat: Pretty close. The people in this city are all zombies.
Blue: What do you mean?
Cat: They live their lives in a comfortable daze. They don't think, they don't feel, and they don't question." ~ From Wolf's Rain, Episode 24 (Scent of a Trap)
The reason for the excess of Wolf's Rain quotes is that father bought me the dvd series for my birthday, but they sent the wrong thing. I guess the real thing will get here sooner or later. Wish they'd sent the right thing, though, because I popped my knee out on Saturday, playing soccer. I went to change directions too quickly and the lower half of my leg stayed planted, while the whole rest of me jerked left. Then, my knee just came apart and my leg was in two parts for a couple seconds, may still be. The parents seemed to think I hit my head or something because I dropped like I'd been shot in the head and didn't move at all for about a full minute. When I was trying to walk off the field, my knee popped out again. I limped out and while I was sitting in the car, actively attempting to pass out, it was decided I should go to the hospital, and I fucking hate doctors. But I did get to attempt to run over some people in the wheel chair they let me use while I was waiting to be x-rayed, which rocked even though I broke a nail and my bracelet in the wheel spokes. The idiot doctor said I'd only need crutches for 5 days and this leg-immobilizer for 2 weeks, which is total shit, because I don't think she understood "leg in two pieces". She also said she'd give mother the name of a sports doctor, which she didn't and she refused to let me keep the wheel chair, which just goes to further establish my idea that she was a quack. Anyway, I figure I'm out of comission for at least a month, which may mean I'll still be injured when school starts, which will seriously piss me off. I may have a follow-up appointment with another doctor, whom father found on his own, who may refer me to yet another doctor, possibly a specialist. Alex injured his knee a while back and had to resort to surgery to get it fixed, which is no where near an option while I have another leg to get around on.
Posted at 01:14 am by RosePaw
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Thursday, June 30, 2005
Go Forth and Become a Happy Cabbage!
"Every night I walk the streets, awake while everyone else sleeps. I'm giving unease to anyone I meet. My generosity can never run out, because I give a gift from what's within myself. No hope at all. Take nothing from nothing and you'll have nothing left. I can't recall. I can't recall a moment in my life when life was at it's best. Everyone avoids my stare and no one cares to ever dare to look into the eyes of what they most fear. And they're taught to fear, to fear no evil. And they know no fear, they've learned to love themselves. No hope at all. Take nothing from nothing and you'll have nothing left. I can't recall. I can't recall a moment in my life when life was at it's best. Forever unlucky, cause I'll own tomorrow. Forever unwanted, outcast today. I'm not mislead, I've got no one to follow. Everywhere to go, no place to stay. No hope at all. Take nothing from nothing and you'll have nothing left. I can't recall. I can't recall a moment in my life when life was at it's best." ~ "Advances In Modern Technology" ~ From Very Proud of Ya ~ AFI
Currently, I am putting off packing for the trip. Tomorrow, we leave for Florida. Well.. more like my great-aunt's house in Alabama, then on to Florida for the remainder of what amounts to a week. I'm taking my "Paints" and my book, though I'm not entirely sure why. I suck at almost all art, so it's really just a waste of paint, but still. There'll be problems swimming, from both the knee I busted at the river last weekend and from the big cut on my thigh. Matbe it'll heal before the trip's over...
Posted at 06:36 pm by RosePaw
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Sunday, June 19, 2005
"Paranoia is the insect working its way Through my subconscious thoughts It's the larve of self doubt Gestating in my heart as I spiral down And everything I touch is breaking And it falls to earth in splinters And I shiver as every splinter Finds its way underneath my skin And after 22 years I can still make my skin crawl Every shortcoming, a pitfall On my way to making amends Within myself to be what I became Sometimes it feels like the whole wide world Has made itself my enemy
But I will stand upon my own two feet And raise my head up I lick my wounds Trying to cleanse the infection Rabid and diseased reality fades away When I pushed myself too far A dream of emotional perfection Has left a wounded heart Trying to perceive the gifts inherent inside me It's like squeezing the trigger It's like opening first On everyone who's let me down On every beautiful lie that is only fiction For the first time I'm losing control and I like it Freedom feels like the noose is gone" ~ "My Sanity on the Funeral Pyre" ~ Atreyu
So tomorrow, or ather, taday, is Father's Day. A day to be with one's father, apreciating all that he's done for you over the years, even if all that amounts to is that he neglected to pull out. Not for me, though. Regardless of the issue of whether he's really my father, the most I see of him today is "good-morning-happy-Father's-Day-here's-your-gift-gotta-go-bye!" Why? Well, my grandfather died...4.5 years ago and so, on Father's Day, we all load up and take our journey down to Winder to be with him for the so-called holiday. And they think I'm morbid.
But on to other things. In less than one week, I become elligable to test for my learner's permit. Yes, watch the roads, for a crazy person is about to be given relatively free reign on the roads. For my birthday, I'm going to Gwinnett Place Mall on Tuesday to shop with my rich uncle's money. Hopefully, I'll also be getting my second ear-piercing. Grandmother absolutely hates the idea. it's pathetic, I know, begging for another hole in my ear at 15, but it's really the only way until I can go places without a personal chauffer. Or I could do it myself with a hot needle, but there's a much bigger chance of infection that way and I'm not one for caring for injuries. I seem to be much more adept at making injuries than fixing them.
Posted at 12:33 am by RosePaw
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Friday, June 10, 2005
Gah! The Sunlight! It Burns!!
"I can't see your souls through through your eyes The crying walls of sliding architecture Kidnapped by the likes of pure conjecture Upholstery loving men all dwelling in the wells Kidnapped by the likes of pure conjecture Killers never hurt feelings Killers never hurt feelings Killers never hurt feelings Gonorrhea gorgonzola Gonorrhea gorgonzola Single files of clean feedings There's nothing wrong with me There's something wrong with you Wrong with you and I When we're crying for our next fix" ~ " This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I'm On This Song" ~ System of a Down
Today I got up early. At 10:30am. And I didn't get much sleep last night so I'm pretty much feeling like shit right now. Why did I get up so early? I wonder that myself. The idea was to go swimming, but my body and the weather have conspired against me. And I am not fond of getting up early to engage in physical activity, i.e. swimming. And my hips haven't healed up yet, so there are also those uncomfortable questions to think about. I got the new System of a Down cd, Mezmerize sometime last week. It's pretty good. I've only listened to it once, though and I was kind of distracted at the time trying to beat my vidoe game. But the parts I heard were great. I also got Donnie Darko, which I'm quite pleased with. And I got to meet up with my girlfriend at the mall. All in all, despite the redneck relatives, last week was pretty good.
Posted at 01:14 pm by RosePaw
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Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Number of People Killed in the World Trade Center By the Taliban: > 2,500; Average Age: 35 Number of People Killed in Iraq in the "War Against Terror" By American Soldiers: >6,000; Average Age: 20 Who Are the Real Terrorists?
Posted at 07:43 pm by RosePaw
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"Climb out from the pine box well I'm asking you. Cuz she's got nothing to say. The angels just cut out her tongue. Call her black mariah. Would I lie to you? That girl's not right in the brain." ~ "Hang 'Em High" ~ My Chemical Romance
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